Outdistancing Your Old Perceived Self
Does it sometimes seem to you that the world stands still and that, really, it is only your eyes that move? Or do you sometimes feel that the world is moving, and you are the one standing still in the middle of all the commotion? Do you sometimes feel far away from yourself? You are moving, talking, thinking, crying, laughing, and yet you feel at a distance from yourself.
This is not quite comfortable for you, for where is all your emotion now? Where is all your closeness with your individuality that you used to bounce up and down to on the field of life as if you had to make a basket?
Now the field is still, even when it is active, even overactive. And still you are still.
In a way, you feel suspended from your life. You are in it. You know you are in it, yet it sometimes feels to you that you are on automatic and don’t really move at all. You know you are moved along. Your legs move, and yet you are aside from yourself and your activity. What are they? And what does all the motion have to do with you?
This is not indifference that I speak of, beloveds. It is being less affected, perhaps less attached.
It just doesn’t matter to you so much, not as much as it used to, whether there is snow or sleet or rain or even sun. You are not so affected by them. You may feel a vacancy. It may even feel to you that your body is here, and you are apart from your body.
You who have been looking for a shift in your consciousness never expected this, this underwhelming sense of life, where you feel that you don’t really participate. Yes, you are there. You are active in life. Yet you are active in a less involved way. Does this feel like a loss to you? Do you ask yourself: “Where is all my old cheering? Where is the fervor of excitement now? How far away have I come from myself?”
Beloveds, you are moving toward your real Identity and away from your false image. This little ego-serving person you thought you were and, indeed, you used to act like, is backing out little by little. Little by little, as the ego part of your individuality retreats, you are left wondering where you have gone and what is left of you. “Where am I,” you ask. “Where have I gone? I do not feel located anywhere. I don’t know who I am any more. What has become of me? What is left of me? It feels like I am disappearing, and there is little or nothing left of me. I feel like a shadow of myself.”
Beloveds, you are losing your shadow. You are losing a false image of yourself. You are retiring from your past impressions. You are not retiring from life. You are gaining equanimity. You are gaining less disturbance.
You are wearing new shoes, and you have yet to break them in.
Do not feel disconsolate because you are losing your boundaries. The boundaries weren’t really so wonderful. They bounced you from pillar to post. Do you really miss your bruises?
Getting above the fray is getting above the fray. You are getting above the fray now. You are outdistancing your old perceived self. You are, indeed, entering into a new world. You are not disappearing. Possession of illusion is disappearing. The banister you have been holding onto isn’t there any longer, and you are feeling a stranger to the real you. You will get used to it, beloveds. You will get used to it. And you will know the difference.
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